September 7, 2017
The idea of needing to protect my sobriety has started to take root in my mind.
I am protecting my sobriety – my tiny, fragile, baby sobriety – with all my defenses. I know we are on shaky, soft ground. Inside my head the whisper fight rages – good wolf, bad wolf. I find myself watching the clock, waiting for 9 p.m. and the liquor store to close.
We are safe for tonight, but white knuckling it can only work for so long.
I know it will get better. I know we will get stronger and wiser and will eventually shut down the whisper fight with carefully dealt blows of time and trust. I know this because i have experienced it and I see it on the people in AA and I read about it in the sober blogs.
But still. This baby sobriety feels so vulnerable. It’s scary and hard.
But it is not as hard as tomorrow would be, if tomorrow was Day One. I have a friend who is in ongoing relapses right now. It is a special kind of hell where every other day is Day One. There is no baby there.
I. Do. Not. Want. That.
Today I went to a meeting that I love – all types show up. The only common denominator is that we are humans addicted to something and we are at war with that something. Everyone is speaking Truth, trying to protect their sobriety babies. Some folks are winning their wars. Some are losing. But everyone is on the battlefield, scarred or bloodied from the fight.
Here are some examples of AA voices I heard today – voices that steadied and sustained us for today:
i threw away my clean time. i left the door open a crack and the devil slipped in. the devil and some old friends.
you folks, sitting over there saying you don’t have too many days of sobriety and you don’t want to share? well, you got a whole lot more days than me.
all my good ideas earned me this seat.
i know my home situation ain’t good. all my family members drink. i mean all of them. at night i just sit there in the corner, like a puppy, wishing i could drink too. so this morning i went to 7/11 and got myself a drink. i had enough money for two, but i knew i was coming here, so i only got one. i didn’t want to be all messed up sitting here.
i am sitting here with a few days under my belt. yesterday i was at a meeting and they had us go around and tell how many days we had. truth is, i stopped counting. who cares how many days i have? i have today. that’s all i care about.
the one who woke up first has the most sobriety.