This tiny, fragile, baby sobriety

September 7, 2017

The idea of needing to protect my sobriety has started to take root in my mind.

I am protecting my sobriety – my tiny, fragile, baby sobriety – with all my defenses. I know we are on shaky, soft ground. Inside my head the whisper fight rages – good wolf, bad wolf. I find myself watching the clock, waiting for 9 p.m. and the liquor store to close.

We are safe for tonight, but white knuckling it can only work for so long.

I know it will get better. I know we will get stronger and wiser and will eventually shut down the whisper fight with carefully dealt blows of time and trust. I know this because i have experienced it and I see it on the people in AA and I read about it in the sober blogs.

But still. This baby sobriety feels so vulnerable. It’s scary and hard.

But it is not as hard as tomorrow would be, if tomorrow was Day One. I have a friend who is in ongoing relapses right now. It is a special kind of hell where every other day is Day One. There is no baby there.

I. Do. Not. Want. That.

Today I went to a meeting that I love – all types show up. The only common denominator is that we are humans addicted to something and we are at war with that something. Everyone is speaking Truth, trying to protect their sobriety babies. Some folks are winning their wars. Some are losing. But everyone is on the battlefield, scarred or bloodied from the fight.

Here are some examples of AA voices I heard today – voices that steadied and sustained us for today:

Share 1:

i threw away my clean time. i left the door open a crack and the devil slipped in. the devil and some old friends.

Share 2:

you folks, sitting over there saying you don’t have too many days of sobriety and you don’t want to share? well, you got a whole lot more days than me.

Share 4:

all my good ideas earned me this seat.

Share 5:

i know my home situation ain’t good. all my family members drink. i mean all of them. at night i just sit there in the corner, like a puppy, wishing i could drink too. so this morning i went to 7/11 and got myself a drink. i had enough money for two, but i knew i was coming here, so i only got one. i didn’t want to be all messed up sitting here.

Share 6:

i am sitting here with a few days under my belt. yesterday i was at a meeting and they had us go around and tell how many days we had. truth is, i stopped counting. who cares how many days i have? i have today. that’s all i care about.

Share 7:

the one who woke up first has the most sobriety. 

 

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3 thoughts on “This tiny, fragile, baby sobriety

  1. I like 7. I have heard it before. And it reminds anyone with some Dover time that they are living just like everyone else. One day at a time.
    Big hug. Wrap your imaginary blanket around yourself and stay safe.
    Anne

  2. OMG I LOVE your writing!!!! The raw honesty hits my heart like a sledgehammer. You make me feel exactly how you feel, and I suppose that is the point of writing 😉 The meetings save my life! Somedays I went to 3 a day; 9:30 am big book, noon discussion & 8 pm. My first year I went 6 days a week and at least one meeting. An old timer said, “you drank everyday, you can get to a meeting everyday”! Truth, I didn’t drink everyday hence only going the 6 days, lol. Now after 3 years (crazy as I couldn’t comprehend going one month sober) I go twice (my home group meets Wed’s nights & Friday at noon), I would be happier if I went a couple more times but I am a tad lazy, lol. I do read my daily readings (mostly) but most importantly I do say thank-you ever single day. Thank-you for keeping me sober, please direct my thoughts, actions and words. Please let me live in the light. As you know life is hard, maybe even harder without substances (cuz I am aware and have to deal with reality?) You KEEP going girl!!! I will also ask for your sobriety!! Much love!! Roberta

    >

  3. I love 6. I love going to open AA meetings. There is no place else filled with so much grace and honesty and authenticity than an AA meeting. You are so in the right place. I also want you to know that everything you wrote here, I replaced “alcohol,” with “food” and it applies to me too. I am on day 4 of giving up sugar. You captured exactly what it feels like. I was driving home from work tonight and thought about a milkshake, but kept driving. Then once at home, i found my daughter’s ice cream in the freezer….I closed it and now Im reading your words and writing to you. Thanks for being here and being honest and sharing your journey with us. It is some precious stuff here. ❤️

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