Wholly Stuck – But in Good Company

Just more than a year ago, while sitting at our neighborhood pool with my husband, with no drama or fanfare or readily-apparent reason, I drank a beer.

And with that non-event beer, eighteen months of sobriety was over and a year (+) of navel gazing began.

Why? Why do it?

I wanted to be the same. The same as everyone around me. The same as my friends, my husband, my neighbors – who don’t seem to overthink or overdrink.

I wanted to be different. Different from everyone around me. Different from my sister and my father and my uncles and different from the inescapable truth of my DNA=AA/Family of Origin bullshit.

The result of this latest drinking experiment surprises me not at all. Eventually, despite my clever efforts and exacting plans, I have come back to the same place/moment I’ve been before. And, just like before, it seems I could stay here, in this “high-bottom/low-top,” indefinitely.

NOTHING DIFFERENT EVER HAPPENS: I always keep it together on the outside. I always lose it on the inside. And I stay stuck.

I have a friend, a devout Christian, who refers to the world as “broken.” All the time. Whenever we discuss life’s loss or despair or unfairness she always says the same thing: “Well, we live in a broken world…” (reaches for yet another Belgian Beer…)

I hate that. We aren’t broken. The world isn’t broken. Right this minute, as I sit here uncertain and scared and vulnerable, I am not BROKEN.

Powerless, yes. In need of a Higher Power, yes. Desperately wishing for a Spiritual Awakening, yes. Fully human, yes.

But BROKEN, no.

So, I am not the same as my friend.

And, I am not different from my sister.

I am, as Carl Sagan wrote, “tiny and insignificant and rare and precious.”  And I believe that I belong to something that is greater than myself and that I am the same and I am different – but I am not alone.



6 thoughts on “Wholly Stuck – But in Good Company

  1. I think we are whole, perfect, divine. We just forget to look inside at the beauty and spend our time searching for something outside us. Booze fits into that.
    It leaves us discontent and sad.
    Welcome back. This is where freedom really lies.

  2. I am so guilty of the “broken” mentality. Thinking we are all broken in some way…when I read that I thought, “wait! Do I know her in real life?!” Lol part of me wants to justify why I feel that way, but that’s a long story. This is a comment….not a conversation over coffee. lol I am going to ponder your perspective…it scares me I think. I wonder what my responsibility will be. Ive spent a long time now relying on Gods grace to put the broken parts together and am content being a work in progress….but is that a cop out? I have some thinking to do.

    • Hi Annette. I, too, am a work in progress. (I would hate to think that this “stuck” place I am currently in is a permanent home.) And I don’t think relying on grace is a cop out at all!

      I have trouble with the “broken” narrative, just as I do not like the “it is what it is” saying. I struggle with recognizing the lines between “accepting the things I cannot change/the courage to change the things I can/and the wisdom to know the difference.”

      In the end, though, I know that the only thing I can change is ME. With help and support. Thanks for stopping by. I have some thinking to do, too.

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