It’s Day 33 here. But don’t look around for any kind of celebration. I’ve been white knuckling it for a week now, trying to talk myself out of a quick visit to the Chardonnay aisle at Total Wine.
Wolfie’s been very loud. Obnoxiously barking all the usual questions/bullshit at me: do you really think we were that bad? … moderation will work this time … there’s no way we are doing this forever … all the promises of better, more meaningful life aren’t going to materialize for you.
This week at work I decided that, along with fighting with Wolfie, I would fight with my boss and our consultants. This was a helpful strategy to deflect dealing with my own issues. It was not, unfortunately, helpful in any other way.
Early on in the week my boss asked me to write up my yearly goals in a very detailed, time consuming way. I BELIEVE this is a waste of my time. Then, about mid-week, I asked my consultants for information that I BELIEVE they should be providing us.
I BELIEVE I am RIGHT and they are wrong.
I became increasingly irritated about both of these issues throughout the week. My attitude became: Let’s fight. Then I’m drinking.
Sounds perfectly reasonable, yes?
Thursday night I came across this quote in my book, The Spirituality of Imperfection: “For alcoholics in early sobriety (the need to be right) is the most important, for detachment from the need to be right, surrender of the ‘demand to have the last word’ seems a prerequisite to the kind of listening that allows participation in the healing power of storytelling.”
I was not interested in listening to my boss or my consultants. I wanted the last word (and still do).
I can see all of that and am sure Anne and the authors of The Spirituality of Imperfection are right … but inside I’m throwing a temper tantrum. First i give up wine; then i give up self righteousness. For what?!
Then there was this article and this message: “Playing the victim, lashing out in resentment, and instigating more drama and chaos in your life can only lead you back to one thing: relapse. … None of these patterns of behavior are sustainable. If you are constantly angry at others with resentment, you will eventually self medicate out of anger at yourself. … You have to do something positive in order to overcome this cycle. … The time for blaming other people for your problems is over. Blaming others will not keep you sober. Creating your own life and owning your path is the way to long term sobriety.”
I know, I know … “the miracle is around the corner” …. one day I’ll reread this post and laugh at myself, and be ashamed at all this self-pity. But right now, for today, this sucks.