I’m right, damn it. Now let’s drink.

It’s Day 33 here. But don’t look around for any kind of celebration. I’ve been white knuckling it for a week now, trying to talk myself out of a quick visit to the Chardonnay aisle at Total Wine.

Wolfie’s been very loud. Obnoxiously barking all the usual questions/bullshit at me: do you really think we were that bad? … moderation will work this time … there’s no way we are doing this forever … all the promises of better, more meaningful life aren’t going to materialize for you. 

This week at work I decided that, along with fighting with Wolfie, I would fight with my boss and our consultants. This was a helpful strategy to deflect dealing with my own issues. It was not, unfortunately, helpful in any other way.

Early on in the week my boss asked me to write up my yearly goals in a very detailed, time consuming way. I BELIEVE this is a waste of my time. Then, about mid-week, I asked my consultants for information that I BELIEVE they should be providing us.

I BELIEVE I am RIGHT and they are wrong.

I became increasingly irritated about both of these issues throughout the week. My attitude became: Let’s fight. Then I’m drinking.

Sounds perfectly reasonable, yes?

Thursday night I came across this quote in my book, The Spirituality of Imperfection: “For alcoholics in early sobriety (the need to be right) is the most important, for detachment from the need to be right, surrender of the ‘demand to have the last word’ seems a prerequisite to the kind of listening that allows participation in the healing power of storytelling.”

I was not interested in listening to my boss or my consultants. I wanted the last word (and still do).

This reminds me of a post in December, where I moan about certain people in AA meetings. And then sweet Anne’s comment that maybe I should listen and learn.

I can see all of that and am sure Anne and the authors of The Spirituality of Imperfection are right … but inside I’m throwing a temper tantrum. First i give up wine; then i give up self righteousness. For what?!

Then there was this article and this message: “Playing the victim, lashing out in resentment, and instigating more drama and chaos in your life can only lead you back to one thing: relapse. … None of these patterns of behavior are sustainable. If you are constantly angry at others with resentment, you will eventually self medicate out of anger at yourself. … You have to do something positive in order to overcome this cycle. … The time for blaming other people for your problems is over. Blaming others will not keep you sober. Creating your own life and owning your path is the way to long term sobriety.”

I know, I know … “the miracle is around the corner” …. one day I’ll reread this post and laugh at myself, and be ashamed at all this self-pity. But right now, for today, this sucks.


My own little Mt. Everest

Just saw that SoberJessie is posting again! Love her blog and am excited to see her back.

Today is Day 27.

I knew a month of sobriety would provide me the mental clarity to keep the sober momentum up. My sobriety feeds on itself.

On Wednesday I’ll celebrate 30 days by going to an AA meeting with my new sober friend and picking up a red chip.  I still don’t have an official sponsor, but am working with my therapist and reading a lot about recovery and addiction, including The Spirituality of Imperfection, which I cannot recommend enough.

As I said to SoberJessie, I want to spend the entire year sober …. I’m thinking of this effort as my own little Mt. Everest. And the sober blogs are like little bottles of oxygen I take out as I continue making steady uphill progress. I love checking Mrs. D’s blog list. I have many of the blogs saved on my WordPress reader, but I prefer to go to Mrs. D’s site and launch into the blogs from there.

I was listening to Bob Edwards yesterday and he was interviewing John Francis, an environmentalist who went 17 years without speaking or driving/riding in a motorized vehicle. There is so much to John’s story, but for our sober purposes, what struck me was his account of walking though South America when he had an epiphany that his self-imposed rule of no motorized vehicles was something he no longer wanted and that it had become a self-imposed “prison.”

This, of course, is how drinking has become for me: a self-imposed prison.

But it is also how I feel about NOT drinking. Sobriety is a self-imposed rule. A completely personal decision I have made. But instead of living in a prison where I spend each day disappointed in myself and uncertain of who is running my life (me or Wolfie), I live in a reality of gratitude where each day I receive greater and greater clarity of who is running my life.

Me. I’m running my life. And 2015 is my year of figuring out what that means and where it is I am running.

I certainly cannot figure anything out if I spend each day nursing myself back to health, just trying to feel as good as I did the day before. I spent 10 years trying to feel as good as I did yesterday.

Today, I am making forward, steady uphill progress.