It’s been just over a year, Dec. 15, 2013, since I made a committed effort to not drink alcohol and then began this blog.
I lasted four months. And while the majority of my days since that day in April have been sober, many have not been. As I have reengaged alcohol, my life has not experienced any terrible decline – but there haven’t been any remarkable highs, either.
I’ve been living in a sort of No Man’s Land – when I drink I am disappointed in myself, anxious and (always, doesn’t matter how few/how many) hungover. When I don’t drink, because I don’t have a consistent plan, I remain anxious and uncertain. It’s a terrible place to be, this No Man’s Land, and yet I have not committed myself to leaving.
In the past few months, I have gone to a handful of AA meetings. I come away with nuggets of wisdom (“I’m not much, but I’m all I think about” is a new favorite saying I gleaned from one meeting). But I haven’t felt a real connection with either the participants or their stories. As Unpickled put it once, I don’t know that I am broken enough for AA.
I have not received a DUI. I have not been fired from my job. I have not ruined my marriage and had my children taken from me. I am not waking up having pissed myself.
Instead, I choose to numb myself with alcohol, even when there is not an overt issue. I do this despite knowing that 1, 2 or 4 glasses will mean a hangover the next day. And the hangovers are the devil. And a hangover means that I am not driving safely, or doing my job well, or engaging my husband and my children.
And that, of course, is a connection even I can see. Instead of alcoholism, I have hangoverism. Splitting hairs, I know.
The 4 months of true sobriety gave me the first-hand knowledge that everything in my life – EVERYTHING – is better when I don’t drink. The 8 months of mostly sober, and my visits to the AA rooms, has taught me that I can manage to drink and not completely blow my life up. It’s a pretty low standard though, don’t you think? And there is no enjoyment or joy in it.
I need to regain some sober traction. I need to get 30 solid days under my proverbial belt.
Thanks for letting me share. It’s nice to be back.