Things are better on the job this week. A coworker who was not present during last week’s toxicity parade greeted me on Monday morning with cheer and warmth. I was able to get to the actual work, rather than orientation/HR stuff. There are a lot of good things there.
I have spent a significant amount of time thinking about why I drank wine last Friday. While there is a very simple truth at play (I like the numbness wine used to provide), I’ve been contemplating a deeper understanding of Why Now? What was the trigger?
I’m pretty sure it’s Self Destruction. As so many of us have written in our posts and comments, one of the major hopes in Not Drinking is to “have more energy to devote to my goals for my life ahead” (thanks Debbie) and that “not drinking gives me the space and capacity to address” how to be happier (thanks Lilly).
While this job has come with unforeseen challenges, a much bigger issue for me is that this job really IS one of my goals. A career really IS the one of those things that I think will make me happier. … I got what I wished for and now, well, WTF.
I am afraid of failing at this job. I am afraid of being FOUND OUT as an impostor. While many women in the workplace wrestle with this “Impostor Syndrome“, my decision to leave the workforce for 10 years heightens this fear for me. Almost all of my new colleagues are in their late 20s/early 30s. So while I LOOK like I should have institutional knowledge and focus, they’re the actual rock stars. I’m the impostor trying to distract them with a tone of certitude and an air of wisdom, all the while desperately running to catch up.
I attributed getting this job to my sobriety. If I drink, I can attribute failing at this job to a lack of sobriety, rather than what I’m really afraid of: I just wasn’t up to the challenge.