Last week was very busy at home and at work. I hardly had time to ensure homework got done and plan meals for the kids. I focused and I prioritized and got shit done. The week’s outcomes were not perfect, but for the most part I feel good about things.
Friday afternoon, at exactly 4:30 p.m., I wrapped things up at work, picked up the boys, bought a pizza, walked in the house, shut the shades and slipped into what I thought would be a welcomed weekend of nothing. No appointments, no activities, no noise. Just family and relaxation and quiet.
But the sudden shift from super busy to total quiet unsettled me. I’m agitated again. I can’t silence my mind. And I’m longing for the wine signal, the OFF switch.
I know that sobriety works so much better than drinking. I know I cannot moderate. I know what lies at the bottom of an empty wine bottle. I know that I can’t think too far into the future.
I know all this but I still cannot quiet my mind. The voices are chattering. They want Sally back.
Today I spent an unusual amount of time reading and surfing sober blogs and websites. Nothing has helped. I read story after story of people getting to a certain point in their sobriety and realizing they needed more. AA or SMART Recovery or what have you.
I don’t want to need more in my sobriety. I want to (wait for it) MODERATE MY SOBRIETY.
Ha. Imagine that. I want to be in control of my sobriety just like I wanted to be in control of my drinking. I want to successfully moderate sobriety, just like I successfully moderated my drinking.
I suck at moderation.