Day 17

I’ve been so focused on what I am no longer doing (drinking) that I am completely forgetting what I am now able to do.

I am now waking up without being hungover. My hangovers are really the main reason I had to quit drinking. There was no DUI, or work reprimand or family intervention. Instead, the reason I had to shelve my corkscrew is that my hangovers were ruining my life.

After a night of drinking, I wake up enveloped in self loathing and illness. Many mornings I can’t face a cup of coffee, I am so sick. I suffer with debilitating anxiety – am almost unable to drive my kids to school or myself to work. I am shaky and cold sweating until I can choke down something greasy, usually a plate of nachos I make in the microwave. And I am carrying the heavy knowledge that I now have to get through the day feeling so so shitty and pretending to everyone (my friends, my husband, my kids, my coworkers) that I am fine and can I please go on a five mile run with you, make your lunch, make sure you have socks on, send you that document  … when all I want to do is lay down and fade to black for the next six hours.

But that’s not even the most fucked up part. The most fucked up part, of course, is that once I started to feel a teeny bit better, usually around 4 p.m. but sometimes not until 5 or even 6, I would DO IT ALL AGAIN. On purpose. To myself.

This was my day, almost every single day, for months and months and years and years.

Until 17 days ago.

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One thought on “Day 17

  1. Good for you. Those hangovers stop us from truly living our lives. I can relate to pretending to be ‘bright and breezy’ the morning after too. Who was I trying to convince? Myself or my husband? I cringe now, thinking how false I must have sounded (when I just wanted to crawl back under the duvet).

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